Before I get into all the favorite things, I gotta brag on my girl. I love this whole kids playing sports thing. I really do. She heard other parents yelling at her this weekend. I think it may have been the first time she heard the opposing teams parents yelling and she knew it was at her. I didn’t know this was happening until another one of our parents told me. Sophia’s reaction? While I don’t think the two goals she scored hurts matters, she was beaming. She said she wanted to yell back “your words just make me stronger”. I hope she does.
Last week was a doozy. Some weeks sneak up on you unexpectedly and hit like a freight train. Sometimes the tension in your heart and the ache in your gut don’t go away after 20 minutes of worship music or time in prayer. Last week, I knew that I knew that God was with me…right there in the midst of the tension, the questions, the angst and that pesky ache that had no intention of leaving me.
I get that this sounds honest and maybe a little morbid. It wasn’t as if anything in particular happened. That makes it sound more strange… Life and ministry are full and sometimes all of the seen and unseen, the joy and disappointment, the awe and wonder and the hurt and frustration all collide in my heart. It’s all grace and sometimes it’s messy.
I’m grateful for a few things.
- Friends who pray with you at the drop of a hat. Friends who will hold you up and speak life and encouragement. Friends who are grateful for your honesty and find encouragement by your hot-mess self. Friends who are different…think different, act different respond different and still love a whole lot like Jesus even when they don’t realize it. It’s the good stuff.
- The Psalms. I’m sure when David was writing psalms of lament, he didn’t think we would be using it as a road map on how to handle grief, anger, frustration and fear. I’m sure it would have looked quite tidy. That’s not real life. When I need to air it all out and when I just need to declare that my God has me, the psalms cover it.
- My Sunday morning before worship practice was a time for me to hash it out with the Lord in prayer. It was a place where I was reminded of His faithfulness and I could remind Him of His promises. The make-up was about gone before I ever stepped foot into the building on Sunday morning. But my God is faithful. He can handle it. Not only that, He delights in me and I wasn’t going anywhere. I found that the safest place to fall apart is the same place He is with me and puts me back up on my feet.
- I started reading Unseen by Sara Hagerty. I thought I would fly through it…I was wrong. I probably could except that she keeps calling me out, as if by name. That’s not my favorite part but it has been like medicine for my soul. Her first book is one of my absolute favorites. Read them both, grab tissues and get ready.
Whatever it is, He’s got you. This truth isn’t some band-aid over a problem…it’s everything.